Requiem Memory
by Cysha
Summary: Remake of Dark/Memory. R and R. Enjoy! Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Kiddy Grade in any way, shape, or form.


_**AN: This is a re-make of my first Kiddy Grade fanfic, Dark/Memory. Just to see how my writing skills have improved. Feedback and constructive criticism is desired, and will be of much help. Please enjoy, and review.**_

Requiem/Memory

Big, bright, golden eyes stared at the oncoming dawn. The golden iris shimmered with tears not yet spilled. Sweat poured down her face. She lay in the cold silence of her room. She had yet to peacefully sleep, tormented by the images that tore at her defenseless mind and her innocent heart. Even in her dreams, she could not have a moment of peace, a moment of forgetfulness, to allow her to sleep. The night had been a fitful one, attempting at sleep only to be tormented by nightmares, staying awake, only to fully be aware and unable to end, the memories that continued, unyielding. Even lying awake, and fully in control of her own thoughts, she could not block out the constant flood of images that continued to haunt her. She had, all night, tried to deny that they were memories of her own existence. She wished to convince herself that they were terrible, but simple, nightmares. That they had no bearing on who she was. She had yet to be successful.

Throughout the night, one thing had become increasingly clear: that she, the strong, loyal member of the GOTT, devoted simply to the single purpose of protecting the greater good of the galaxy and its economic stability, was not what she appeared. Her so-called loyal, faithful, good hands had taken the lives of others for her own good. She had caused suffering and death for others by her own will. Some had been at fault, it was true, but some were defenseless. Either way, neither side justified taking a life so easily and carelessly as she had done countless times.

_Heat rose all around her. It was a visible, living thing that surrounded her, enveloped her. It rose into the air, painting her surroundings into a bitter, hot, yellow-orange. The flames leaped and roared, but she stood in the midst of it all, and smiled with great pleasure. _

_A dim hallway. An old robot or cyborg of some sort, mindlessly shooting yellow bursts of killing light from its large cumbersome metal body. She shot through the air, her small, lithe, body filled with Power. She came down hard upon the robot's 'head'. The glass smashed beneath her fist. She leaped off and behind it, glass falling around her. She hit the ground behind the robot, satisfied. Moments later, the robot exploded. _

_An explosion surrounded her, smoke and fire bursting in a plume of destruction. She broke free of the tall building, leaping out into the thick night. The lights of the city glowed around her, as she soared downward, feeling the elated sensation of success, with no fear of dying when she hit the ground. She was too powerful for death._

Éclair's fist struck the wall, leaving a crumbling hole shaped roughly around her fist. Blood ran through her fingers, staining the wall against them with red. She did not feel the pain in her hand, she was still lost in the nightmarish imagery that she had been forced to observe. She did not know the context or reasoning behind each image, the memories she had were fragmented and brief. But they brought her such pain and guilt, that she merely had to guess at the motivation behind the images. It was not a benevolent one.

She shivered slightly, as a new image came on. A woman stared back at her, a reflection of her, yet dim and shadowy. She was a perfect reflection of Éclair, yet not quite. She had the same figure, but a sensation of evil, somehow familiar, emanated from that woman. A taunting smile lay on her face, and she stared hard at Éclair, golden eyes, especially bright on the dim reflection of a face, stared hard into hers.

"_You can't escape the mistakes of your past, so easily, Éclair,"_ she spoke, her voice an echo of Éclair's yet meaner and colder than she'd ever heard herself speak.

She shook her head violently, in fear and horror. "This can't be real. This isn't real. This monster…can't be real. It isn't me. This is a nightmare, just another dream."

"_Monster? Dream? Do you think those words have any meaning to me, or to yourself? Do you think I'm the monster? Have you not witnessed enough to know, that indeed, you are me? What's the point of denying the truth?"_

"Those images…they're not me. You're not me. We're different. Separate." Éclair tried desperately to reason with the truth that she now faced. Already, it was increasingly hard to deny that those images she had seen were memories. That what she had done had not actually occurred.

"_Lies, all of them. To yourself. Listen for a moment. You know what you saw. Those were memories my friend. Your actions were never benign. You took life without consideration for anyone but yourself. Countless times, but once it was over, you could never accept it. Yet you always killed again. It doesn't matter that, as of late, you've had a spark of selflessness. It will not erase centuries of mistakes."_

Éclair closed her eyes, trying to wish the image away. "I…would…_never_…kill…without…reason…"

"_Kill without reason? You truly haven't changed. Maybe that is true, to an extent, it's yet to be tested, but to kill at all…Taking a life is not something that should be taken lightly. Something that should be done. But I know you, if it serves you're cause, you will do it. Taking lives for the GOTT does not justify murder. Yet that is what you claim. 'Kill without reason.' What reason is ever good enough for such an atrocious act?"_

"Go…away. Let me live my life. Just…let me forget."

"_Forget? You've already tried to forget me. It's not working in your favor, now has it? Eventually, not matter how hard you try to run, you will always end up in the same place as before. We both know that."_

"Leave me alone! I can fix things…make things right. If I was just given the chance."

"_You are still wrong. Even if you were somehow able to clear your memories forever, and start on a clean slate, not everyone will only see your good side. What about Lumiere? Through it all, she's been at your side. She seen what you've done, knows what your capable of, and she'll never forget. She never has. What you've done or what she's done. You can never fully erase the harm you've done."_

"I can be forgiven…"

"_Can you? Can you look at what you've done, can you see your memories in full, and ever be forgiven? By anyone? By yourself? Look at what you've done. Taken lives, destroyed cities, bringing countless lives misery? With a blast of Power? With a body, a mind, a soul, that only takes and never gives?"_

"YOU'RE NOT REAL! YOU'RE NOT ME!" she screamed in defiance, finally realizing her building rage. She lashed out at the image, as though she could destroy it, and make it disappear, but she had no such luck. Tears ran down her face.

She turned, trying to break free of the state she was caught in. She ran from her apartment room, down the stairs, and into the early morning. The fresh air seemed to temporarily end the flow of awakened memories, but it did not improve her mood, nor shake the feeling of dread from earlier. She was caught in her own thoughts, eyes seeing only the ground before her. She did not hear greetings from her neighbors, only the breaking of her tormented mind. She found herself at the door of the Flevr café, her usual morning haunt. Here, her friend Caprice's cheer, along with fresh morning coffee and a delicious breakfast always brightened her morning. But she was in no mood for such things today. She needed something to calm her, to soothe her fretful mind. Something that would help her break away from the awful memories and taunting eyes and voice.

Chamomile tea was served to her, an offering from Caprice who saw her friend's obvious suffering. It was served to her with words of kindness that were lost on Éclair. She took out a package from her pocket, a strong sedative. She gulped them down with a sip of her tea, hoping the double calming effect would bring peace and silence to her mind. Yet it soon became apparent that they had the opposite of the desired effect. The calm it brought made her mind docile, allowing the dormant memories to be awakened with more ease and less resistance from Éclair.

Her golden eyes grew large, as she realized…it was happening again.

_Three red scorching suns painted the sky a deep, angry red above her. Heat rose throughout the barren lands around her. Her craft blazed across the landscape, kicking up dirt as it blew forward. Any early Donnershlag prototype, having the same 'head' but the body itself more resembled a vehicle. Three helicopters hovered above her in the blazing sky, hot in pursuit. It was of no matter for her, riding confidently on the back of the early Donner. The hunted was about to become the hunter._

_One of the helicopters fired the missiles attached to its side. The shot in the direction of Éclair landing around her and exploding with almost perfect accuracy. Almost. She was prepared for the attack, and she and Donner flew scott-free and unhurt into the air, and then landed hard. Once she did, she continued driving Donner forward, and then caused him to abruptly turn, so that they were now facing the helicopters. Now was her chance. Wires shot from the back of Donner, clinging onto the outer body of the helicopter. She began to climb the ropes like a hero, running in high-heeled boots up the ropes and onto the helicopters. They grew closer and closer to her face, as she ran to meet them in the air. In an instant, it seemed, the helicopters were completely destroyed, bursting to pieces and debris, otherwise not leaving a trace. The mission completed, they disappeared off into the desert. _

Her golden eyes were wide with shock of a memory that was so reminiscent of her current life, yet so different at the same time.

_She was now in a dark room. Lumiere beside her pressed her hands against the wall, swiftly hacking into the security system of the building they now intended to infiltrate. _

"_No, you can't just go charging in there. Try using some restraint for once," an incredibly tall, blonde woman to the far right of her cautioned. _

_Éclair snorted. "We'll be fine, as long as the backup is in place."_

_Lumiere carefully took her gloved hand away from the wall. "There. I bypassed the security system."_

"_Good. Let's go! Try to keep up, Eclipse."_

"Chief Eclipse? What's she doing…?" Éclair whispered.

_She stood before a huge complex, on a large stage. She stood at a podium, overlooking the faces of many soldiers looking up at her. She was dressed professionally, in a proud uniform, hair tied into a bun. She stared hard at the men below her with her piecing gold stare, trying to look as intimidating as possible, as she always was, though she grown fond of the people she was training. _

"_It's been half a year since I first looked upon your dirty faces, recruits. Six long and difficult months. Your ranks have thinned since then, the weaklings, the wash-outs; they are gone now; only the best remain. Now has come the time for you to prove yourselves. As you know, our National Planetary Federation has been thrust into a state of war with the Planetary Republican Union. The time has come for you to earn your pay as Federation soldiers. Training is done. As of this moment, you are now appointed to your respective ranks and duties. But before you go, I will give you one final order. Don't get killed. That is all."_

_She finished her speech, certain that they would heed her orders as best they could._

The next scene she found herself in was dim and unpleasant, already a more displeasing memory. Already she felt sensations of fear, and more so, being ultimately helpless and trapped.

_She sat on the floor in the cold and damp cell, curled into a ball to keep herself warm. There were little features in the cell, only the brown walls, and the single cot with a thing blank haphazardly draped over the side. She was hunched over, virtually defeated, having exercised all means of escape, and ultimately finding none. But she couldn't give up. Yet._

_She rose abruptly, running to the cell door that always held the finality of her capture. She began to pound her hands against the door, as she done often, but this time with more force and more desperation than ever. "Let me out of here! Let me out!" she screamed. "We can't let them do this, we can't! If we don't stop them, millions of people are going to die! Millions!" _

_She begged and cried, but to no avail. As she beat the door, her hands were torn open, and blood began to smear on the door. The blood splatters increased in size, her hand burning and stinging. "PLEASE! Wh-why…" she cried hopelessly, sliding down to the ground, leaving long trails of blood on the door._

Éclair was panting by the time the images came to a stop. But a building sense of fear and guilt nearly pushed her over the edge as the next image broke free.

_She sat at her usual seat at the helm of the La Muse, though this wasn't her usual ship. This was the La Muse Melpomene, virtually unused, until now. Now, that it had a heavy Geosort bomb attached to it. The planet Hydra flicked onto the viewscreen. Her fingers trembled above her console, with the thught of what she was about to do._

"_It's time," Lumiere said calmly, as Éclair knew she would. "Aren't you going to fire?"_

_She didn't answer for a moment, but a moment was all she needed. She could not do this. This went against everything she believed in. On the planet below, oblivious to her and her task, were innocent people. This was not something she was willing to do. "No. I can't do this. I won't do this. Not of my own free will."_

_She turned in her seat rapidly to face Lumiere. She raise her pistol, pointing it directly at her, willing to shoot even her, if necessary. "Hands in the air! Away from the console!"_

_Lumiere looked at her, emotionlessly. She complied, gripping her hands and raising them away from the console. She closed her eyes knowingly. "It's no use."_

_The planet before them seemed fine, but only momentarily. Out of nowhere, its surface was destroyed, a wave of destruction spreading across the planet, until once green was turned to brown, red and orange, leaving the planet nothing but dirt and lava._

"_No!" Éclair gasped. Tears formed on her eyes, slowly building in quantity, until they spilled over._

"_It's been set to fire since before we left Aineias," Lumiere explained dully. _

"Aineias?" Éclair said. "Then that means the GOTT was responsible for…"

_She sat in the middle of the playroom, the room she dedicated entirely to her son. She loved him, though he was not her own. She held him on the couch in the middle of the room smiling fondly down at him._

"_Are you hungry? Oh, no, no. We'll have to find milk for you someplace else." She laughed gently. _

Though the memory she had just seen was not in any way painful, Éclair had had enough. "Please," she begged no one in particular. "No more."

She closed her eyes, attempting to wish away the images. When she opened them, she did so slowly and hopefully.She had no such luck. This memory was different. This time, she was not experiencing the memory, instead, it was though she was outside, outside her body, looking down.

_A building lay in ruins around her. Her hair spread around her head, a dark brown halo against her pale face. A large puddle of blood had grown and then dried around her body. The cause of the injury was obvious; the fact that the building had collapsed directly on top of her. _

_Blood ran down her white face, streaking it with crimson. Her moth was open, in a cry that was forever cut off. Her eyes were widened in horror, now frozen and still in…death._

Éclair screamed, causing heads to turn in the café. She was back. Éclair left hurriedly, feeling humiliation at her actions. She had no right to be causing trouble for others. She walked in no particular direction, stopping only to carelessly toss the sedatives to the ground. She didn't need them; she couldn't use them. They weren't meant to work on someone like her.

She found herself at the park, where she lay down on the soft grass, staring out across the water of the pond. She looked up to the sky, watching the clouds move. She was lost in the turmoil of her own mind, dragging her downward into something close to depression. She tried to make sense of what she had witnessed, but denial was impossible to form. They were her memories, but…

Did they have to be her? Those were past bodies, and with them, different minds. They weren't her actions, because they weren't her body. _Predecessors…pre-holders…the women who carried the code name Éclair before me…_

The woman at the edge of the glowing flames, the woman who destroyed the cyborg, the woman who attacked the building, the woman taking down the helicopters, the woman fighting alongside Lumiere and Eclipse, the woman directing the army, the woman in the cell, the woman with the baby, the woman who destroyed the planet, even the dead woman. All named Éclair, but none of them holding in present resemblance to her in both mind and body. Past incarnations, yes. But they were all dead now. All long gone, lost in history.

"_Predecessors? Pre-holders?" _She was back. Standing with her back turned to Éclair, her shadowy form was the only thing in Éclair's vision. _"No, I'm not your predecessor. Don't pretend to be so naïve."_

"Stop! I know what you're going to say. That you are…me. But…I'm not like you!"

"_Oh, no?"_ She closed those golden glowing eyes._ "No matter how many times you die and are reborn, you cannot change who you are."_

She leaned in, her face before Éclair. Éclair gasped, leaning backward, trembling from the power of the image once again. _"Predecessor. Do you really still think you're somehow separate from me? Look closely,"_ she grabbed Éclair's hand, and lifted it upward. It was soaked in blood, as was the phantasm's before her. _"You're the one with blood on your hands."_

Éclair gritted her teeth, staring, unblinking into the image, unable to look away, until it finally disappeared.

/

Her red boots clicked across the floor. She stopped finally, standing beside Lumiere, speaking not a word, staring at Eclipse, waiting for orders. Lumiere looked over at Éclair. She'd known something was wrong since the incident of Dardanos, but a lady never pressures anyone.

Mission orders bombarded Éclair, and she did her best to pay attention. Finally, her cue to leave came from Lumiere, with a: "Yes Chief, understood."

Éclair prepared to do the same, but she found herself staring at her hand. She saw blood pooling in her palm, red streaks don her fingers, droplets forming on her gloves. She cried out, only to see that her hand was normal. She closed her eyes, and placed her hand over her heart. "Right, understood, Chief."

/

"What's this?" Éclair asked the manager, staring down at the two different pistols that lay before her.

"If you plan to save someone's life, take the .45. If you plan to put the barrel in your mouth, a nine millimeter is more than enough."

Éclair jerked back. _Did he…really just say that?_ She looked at the two guns. What would it be like? If she were to take her own life? Would that erase the harm? Would it make it right? Take her own life, in return for all the others she had taken? One final shot of a gun? Would anyone miss her? Should she…?

She reached forward and selected one, placing in securely beside her in its holster.

/

She leaped off of Donnershlag, flying forward through the air into the blackness of space. She raised the pistol before her face, aiming it at her enemy target. "Goodbye," she hissed, and fired the pistol into space. It made its mark. The flames from the explosion tore through space, burning her body in the inferno.

She floated in a peaceful limbo between life and death. Yet laughter pursued her even in the tranquility. She opened her eyes, staring into a soft glowing white around her. To her side, the shadowy image of her past floated upright. _"After all I've told you, you're still trying to escape your past."_

She closed her eyes. "Is that what you think?"

A nasty glare formed on the face of the shadow woman beside her. Éclair held in her hand, the .45.

Yes, she had made many mistakes. She had died many times, and in each body, she had willing made those same mistakes. But she would no longer participate in this cycle any longer. She was more moral than her past, she had lived and she had grown and she had changed. Even in the instance of taking a life.

/

"I do have blood on my hands. I may even be part of your group one day. I know I can't change that. But that doesn't mean I can't change myself. It doesn't mean I have to be like you. Right now this life is mine to live. I'll do what I have to. Until I've made peace with myself."

"_Try all you want. But I'm a part of you. I will always be with you."_

"Keep watch over me."

She smiled, and was gone.

Someday, somehow, she would stop repeating her mistakes, and stop making new ones. Someday, she would regain all her memories and keep them, and learn from them. Somehow she would manage. Someday, she would wipe clean the blood from her hands.


End file.
